As Seen on TV/transcript (2024)

	"Cut! No, Mermaid Man, it's 'stolen Krabby Patties.'" This transcript is in need of repair. Please help Encyclopedia SpongeBobia by fixing this transcript. Please remove this message when finished.

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "As Seen on TV" from season 3, which aired on March 8, 2002.

• [Mr. Krabs’ pet worm Mr. Doodles is sniffing some coral.]
• Mr. Krabs: C'mon, Mr. Doodles. [pulls Mr. Doodles away, choking him briefly] We haven't got all day. We've gotta get down to me favorite restaurant. Mine. Where we're shootin’ our first ever Krusty Krab commercial. After this commercial airs, we'll be swarmin’ with customers. I can already feel myself sweatin' money.
• [Mr. Doodles barks.]
• Mr. Krabs: No, I got Squidward organizin’ the whole thing. He's... y’know... artsy. [sees something he does not like] What the...? This looks expensive. Out of my way. Comin’ through. Move it or lose it. Squidward!
• Squidward: [descending] What?
• Mr. Krabs: What in Neptune's name is goin’ on?
• Squidward: We're making the commercial, Mr. Krabs.
• Mr. Krabs: What you're doin’ is throwin’ away me money! I told you to rent, only what is absolutely necessary.
• Squidward: This is all necessary.
• Mr. Krabs: Well what's all this useless junk? [the junk is shown]
• Squidward: That's the useless junk for scene, uh, 28.
• Mr. Krabs: Oh, well, then how do you explain that? [Pointing to 2 Krusty Krabs] A second Krusty Krab?
• Squidward: Mr. Krabs, everyone needs an understudy. [showing Mr. Krabs' double]
• Mr. Krabs: Well, you got me there. But why do we need him? [pointing to a clown]
• Squidward: This job gets very stressful, Mr. Krabs.
• Mr. Krabs: [to the commercial crew] All right, get lost, all of ya! [everyone leaves angrily] You're fired! Go on! Scram! Get outta here, ya moochers. That's right, keep movin’.
• Incidental: You know what? You know what? Yeah.
• Mr. Krabs: [stops the clown from leaving] Except you. You stay.
• [The clown smiles and a horn honks.]
• Squidward: Well, this is just great. Now we've got no crew to make the commercial.
• Mr. Krabs: What are you talkin’ about, Squidward? We got the cheapest crew in the world. You, me, and SpongeBob. Speakin’ of which, where is the little barnacle?
• SpongeBob: [muffled, as his nose pokes from underground] I'm down here, sir.
• Mr. Krabs: What are you doin’, lad?
• SpongeBob: Squidward said I could help by burying myself!
• Mr. Krabs: Quit foolin’ and come on out. [pulls SpongeBob out] I need you to be in the commercial.
• SpongeBob: [gasps] Me? In the Krusty Krab commercial? Me! [we see a background of him smiling ecstatically]
• Squidward: But, but, but, but, but, but, but...
• Mr. Krabs: [SpongeBob is still smiling] Don't throw your buts at me, Mr. Squidward. We got a timetable to keep. This thing airs tonight.
• SpongeBob and Squidward: Tonight?!
• Mr. Krabs: Yup, I got a sweet deal on a prime-time slot.
• French Narrator: [Time Card]: 3:28 am.
• SpongeBob: It's almost on, Gary. [Gary yawns] Yeah, I got butterflies, too. This is the most exciting thing to happen in the history of history. [the TV displays a wild west show, then shows the KK commercial] Look, Gary! It's on! [the commercial starts]
• Pearl: [as Amy] Oh, Jen. I've got a real problem.
• Squidward: [as Jen] What's your problem, Amy?
• Pearl: [as Amy, holding a wad of cash in her flippers] I've got all this money and I don't know what to do with it and I'm hungry.
• [Mr. Krabs is laughing offscreen]
• Pearl: [as Amy] Who's there?
• Squidward: [as Jen] Where's that coming from?
• [Purple smoke appears, revealing Mr. Krabs]
• Amy and Jen: Yippee, it's Mr. Krabs.
• Mr. Krabs: That's right, Amy. I heard all about your little problem and I'm here to help. Follow... me!
• [Transitions to the Krusty Krab]
• Amy and Jen: Where are we?
• Mr. Krabs: Why, we're at none other than the Krusty Krab.
• Amy: Did you say Krusty Krab?
• Mr. Krabs: That's right, Krusty Krab. Home of the world famous Krabby Patty!
• Jen: What's a Krabby Patty?
• [Mr. Krabs' jaw drops, the camera zooms in and out, and a bouncing spring noise plays]
• Mr. Krabs: Why, it's only the most mouthwaterin’, appetizin’ food in the seven seas.
• SpongeBob: [he is shown from the neck down at the grill, holding the spatula with a patty on the grill] There I am, Gary! There I am!
• Mr. Krabs: [the ingredients appear on the bun as he says this] We start with a fresh patty, grilled and juicy. Add some crisp undersea veggies and cheese. Topped off with secret sauce and some buns. Voila! A Krabby Patty.
• Amy: I want a Krabby Patty.
• Jen: Me, too.
• Mr. Krabs: How do you like them Krabby Patties, girls? [laughs]
• Amy and Jen: [give a thumbs up as they are eating]
• [Mr. Krabs is still laughing]
• SpongeBob: [His hat is showing through the order window as Krabs puts his claw up to look like he’s holding up two fingers] Look, Gary, there I am again. Look!
• Mr. Krabs: Two more satisfied customers. So why don't you come on in, and have yourself a Krabby Patty today.
• All: [words appear on screen] ♪ The Krusty Krab: Come Spend Your Money Here! ♪
• [commercial ends]
• SpongeBob: That was the best 60 seconds of my life! Well, time for bed. [cut to the clam rooster crowing. SpongeBob wakes up and the alarm goes off] Time to go do my favorite thing at my favorite place. [humming]
• Old Man Jenkins: Hey, you!
• SpongeBob: Top of the mornin’, oldster.
• Old Man Jenkins: Hey! I saw you on TV last night. [cut to flashback showing that Old Man Jenkins was actually watching a bran flakes commercial and saw the yellow box]
• Announcer: New, Bran Flakes. Bold, new taste. Bran Flakes.
• SpongeBob: You did?
• Old Man Jenkins: Yeah. You were on a commercial.
• SpongeBob: You're right! Wow, he recognized me.
• Old Man Jenkins: Yup. See ya later, Bran Flakes. What a nice cereal box.
• SpongeBob: [talking to himself] "Weren't you that guy on TV?" Yes! I am that guy. [laughs] How kind of you to notice. Weren't you that guy on the television last night? Yes, that was me. I... [bumps into Nat Peterson]
• SpongeBob: Oh, please excuse me, sir.
• Nat Peterson: [reading SpongeBob’s nametag] Oh, that's quite all right, uhh, SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: Wow. I'm getting recognized all over. Why, next thing ya know, people are gonna start doing things like holding doors open for... [gasps as Nat opens the door to enter the restaurant] Why, sir, I'm flattered.
• Nat Peterson: [waving his flipper up and down in front of his face] Really? I don't smell anything.
• SpongeBob: [laughs] You're on your way, kid!
• Fred: Excuse me, sir, can I get a napkin?
• SpongeBob: Why, of course, good sir. And next time, feel free to approach me. It most be so degrading to ask from across the room. And who am I making this bad boy out to?
• Fred: [sarcastically] To my tail fin. I'll get it myself. [gets up and walks away]
• SpongeBob: F-I-N. There we are, darling. Hmph. Shyness got the best of him.
• Squidward: There you are, SpongeBob. I need you to...
• SpongeBob: No problem, Squidward. I got one already made out. Enjoy.
• Squidward: [holding a napkin reading, "To my tailfin; Love, SpongeBob] To my tailfin? [checks to see if he has one]
• SpongeBob: Yes, I am that guy on TV.
• Tyler: [walking up to the condiment table with his friend] Hey, look!
• SpongeBob: Please, good people, no photos at work.
• Tyler: Here's the ketchup. [squirts ketchup on his Krabby Patty]
• SpongeBob: Well, maybe just one. [poses] Another one? Okay. Limbo. [limboes under the mop] And now, the, uh, oh, I got it.
• Mr. Krabs: There you are, SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: Jet pilot.
• Mr. Krabs: Now I need you to... [SpongeBob spins the mop like an airplane propeller and hits him] ...Ow! [his claw breaks] Alright, boy. Get in there and scrub the head and stop actin’ so predictable.
• SpongeBob: I'm so misunderstood. Alas, good people, even the brightest of stars grow weary, and I am no exception. But I will shine again after a quick break in my quarters. Stay beautiful. [we cut to Dale and Lou in the restroom]
• Dale: Hey, were you able to catch Glandy McPinkfish on Flounderman last night?
• Lou: No. How was he?
• Dale: Well, I knew that this guy's acting was good, but his singing was phenomenal. [SpongeBob is listening to their conversation while cleaning a urinal] I'm tellin’ you, Vendor, if that guy was to cut a solo record, he'd be a hit. [both close stall doors]
• SpongeBob: [pupils change into stars as he wipes the inside of the urinal] Solo record!
• [In Mr. Krabs' office, where he's writing a resignation notice]
• Mr. Krabs: So, if I fire him and make his successor do twice the work, and... [knock on door] ...eh, come in. [in walks SpongeBob and poses like a model] Oh, it's just you, SpongeBob. Those heads better be beautiful.
• SpongeBob: They are, Mr. Krabs, and so is mine. And now I gotta lay somethin’ on ya, Krabs baby.
• Mr. Krabs: The only thing you better lay is some patties on the grill, Fry Boy.
• SpongeBob: Nah, I can't take that gig, Krabber. That phase in my career is over. I'm an entertainer now.
• Mr. Krabs: What in blazes are you talkin’ about?
• SpongeBob: Come on, Krabs. Let's think outside the box for a second. Commercials are old-hat. The people want music. If I could change fate I would, Krabsy. And I'm an entertainer deep down. A people's person. We're on the same page here, aren't we?
• [Mr. Krabs briefly stares at SpongeBob dumbfounded, his eyes inflated to a comically large size]
• Mr. Krabs: Boy, those Krabby fumes must've gotten to your head. Borrow Squidward's gas mask and get right back to work.
• SpongeBob: [snaps fingers twice] I knew you'd understand. Well, thanks for the start. I'm outta here. [snaps his fingers outside his office]
• Mr. Krabs: Oooooh... I've never felt such a strange combination of pity... and indigestion. [goes back to writing notice]
• [SpongeBob continues snapping his fingers as he walks out, then is stopped by a crowd of angry customers]
• Bill: There he is! Hey! We've been waiting for you.
• Nazz: Where have you been? [SpongeBob makes an O-shaped mouth wiggling]
• Bill: How long are you going to keep us standing here?
• Squidward: Well, SpongeBob? Are you just gonna stand there like a half-wit, mouth agape? Or are you gonna fill these peoples' orders?
• SpongeBob: Pipe down, Squidward. This crowd looks angry. They're not gonna wait any longer. I think I better give them what they need, and fast.
• Squidward: I think so, too, or Krabs will fire both of us. [smiling] On second thought, keep 'em waiting.
• SpongeBob: No can do, Squidward. These people demand entertainment.
• Squidward: Enter-what?!
• [SpongeBob grabs the order microphone]
• SpongeBob: How you doin’, folks?
• All: Hungry!
• SpongeBob: That's no problem, ladies and germs. 'Cause SpongeBob is here to satisfy. [turns down light's dimness]
• Squidward: Hey!
• Bill: [to his friend] Eating here was your idea.
• SpongeBob: I'd like to call this little number "Striped Sweater." ♪ The best time to wear a striped sweater is all the time. One with a collar, turtleneck, [pinches Bill’s sweater. Bill is staring angrily at him] that's the kind [screeching] 'Cause when you're wearing... ♪[light turns back on; all yelling]
• Bill: We're starving!
• SpongeBob: ♪ That one... special... sweater... ♪ [yelling continues] Squidward, this crowd is insatiable.
• Squidward: Then why don't you go back in the kitchen, and grab some patties, and give them what they came here for?!
• SpongeBob: Juggling! Thanks, Squiddy. [crowd is booing]
• Nancy: Is this some kind of joke?!
• SpongeBob: They want juggling and jokes at the same time? Tough crowd. [juggling patties]
• Bill: Oh, now what's he doing?
• SpongeBob: Uh, what do you call a vampire whose car breaks down three miles from a blood bank? A cab!
• Bill: We're losing our appetites!
• SpongeBob: Uh, okay. There's a nun, an astronaut, and a hairdryer.
• All: We want patties!
• SpongeBob: Well, the most I can juggle is three, but the show must go on. Whoa! [slips on grease and patties flip in the air]
• [In slow motion, cut between SpongeBob slipping, the patties flying, and the crowd booing at the ordering window; the same sequence is shown again before SpongeBob is shown.]
• SpongeBob: Noooooooooooo!!!!! [in his head] My career is over. All those years clawing my way up. All the people I've stepped on, wasted.
• [The patties land on the grill; normal speed resumes as the crowd smiles]
• Bill: Hey! Finally!
• Nancy: That's what we've been waiting for!
• SpongeBob: [dotted lines form from his eyes to point to patty] They seem to like it when I put this patty on the grill. I may be able to save this act, yet! Roll with it, SpongeBob. Roll with it. There's more where that came from, folks! [puts a ton of patties on the grill]
• All: Yay!
• SpongeBob: You like that?!
• Bill: It's what we wanted all along!
• SpongeBob: [thinking] It's working! But how do I follow it up? Think on your feet, SpongeBob, it'll get you this far. [notices a bag of buns on the table] Buns! [speaking] It's a stretch, but we've all gotta try to push the envelope sometime! [shakes the buns out of the sack] Okay, folks, how do you like this? [flips patties inside buns]
• All: Yeah!
• SpongeBob: I'm breaking new ground. Time to get edgy!
• Customers: We want onions! Cheese! Yay!
• SpongeBob: Ready for the grand finale? [customers ready their trays as SpongeBob throws their Krabby Patties at their respective trays. Squidward is shown sleeping]
• All: Whoopee! Krabby Patties! [Squidward wakes up as Mr. Krabs exits his office]
• Mr. Krabs: Well, SpongeBob, looks like you've finally found your calling. [gives SpongeBob his hat back]
• SpongeBob: I'll say. [flips a patty that stays in midair] I'm so glad I gave up fry cooking for this.
• [Screen cuts to black, ending episode]

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